There is a resident homeless person at the library. He sits outside with his bags and backpacks and generally plays a recorder (wind instrument) and tries to talk to people as they go in. Every once in a while someone will stop to talk when he hails them. I've stopped and talked with him (read: listened to his monologue). Ever since the powers that be told him to move to the side of the library and not right smack dab in front of it, going in and out is easier. (I am the *last* person who would suggest not allowing someone to sit on public land because they are homeless. But he really is quite persistent, so asking him to sit out of the main flow of traffic seems ok.)

Last night I wanted to make a quick stop ay the library. Since I was nearby for gymnastics anyway, going over right after class made sense. As I entered the library he said hello and something about me looking nice today. Whatever. He was at least 40 feet away so I ignored him entirely. Then as I was getting ready to go to the check out counter, I realized I couldn't find my card. I sat on one of the chairs to search through my purse. He sat down in a chair facing me and tried to talk to me while I was searching. (I haven't ever seen him inside the library before.)
Homeless dude: It's warm in here.
Me: hmmm
HD: Isn't it warm?
Me: Gotta go. (card apparently not anywhere in my purse, maybe they will let me check my books out anyway)
HD: You're going already?
Me: Yes, bye.

So I checked out (which you can do without your card for a dollar). Left the building. He apparently beat me outside the better to call to me once again that I look nice today. Three times in one five minute visit. This I did not sign up for.

The point of all this is that I did not look nice. I had just come from gymnastics. My hair was a mess, I was slightly sweaty, my hands had chalk on them. While he always talks to pretty much anyone, he is never that persistent. And his general schtick is "What are you studying?" All I can think is that what he meant last night was "You have big boobs today." You can sort of tell when that is what has attracted someone's attention. It is odd, because despite wandering the earth with roughly the same sized chest since I was in high school, this is the first time that I felt so put on the spot based entirely on my bra size. Maybe that is because I am oblivious (entirely possible). Maybe that is because homeless dude hides stuff like that less well than other people. Maybe it is because I don't generally walk around wearing a leotard. But in any case - yuck. Just yuck. I don't want to have to don my baggiest clothes just to go to the library, but I may have to because the whole thing made me uncomfortable. And yet nothing he did was out of line. It was just too... something. Wrong somehow.

Updates:
I'm only at 97 on my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. I'm trying to make most of mine real goals and meaningful to me instead of simply grabbing most of them from other people's lists and just adding one or two I care about. I mean, yes, there are some that I don't care about that much and I did steal a few from other lists because they appealed to me too but all of them are personal. Things I do want to do. I'm even trying to be somewhat realistic so I've limited myself to only 4 or 5 travel related items. (Yeah, because I've taken all of 2 trips in the last 7 years. Nope, make that 3. So 5 in 3 years will work, right?)

My amazing non-existent period has come and gone after its 4.5 month hibernation. Seriously -- 21 weeks between periods. I'm never what anyone would call predictable, but still. But point is, period came and went and it wasn't even a bad one. It wasn't particularly heavy or long or crampy. My biggest worry once I noticed that it had been so long was that once it came, it would be ugly. But since it wasn't, I'm perfectly happy waiting another 4 months.

A friend at work turned me on to a web site where you can buy jewelry for $6 per piece. The jewelry is not super-nice, but most pieces have been nicer than one might expect for the price. They say free, but shipping and handling is $5.99 so, yeah, it's $6 a pop. Also you can't go browse and buy whatever you want. They have a featured piece that changes every 15 minutes. So you have to go back and check every once in a while. It's sort of cool. So far I have gotten two things for myself and one for my mom. I have to be careful to get only stuff I really like and not stuff that is just okay. I'm actually really excited about what I have gotten. I'd be even happier if I could change around the stones in some of the stuff they offer. But as it is I just wait until something comes up with the designs and the stones I want.

Yeah, that wasn't at all interesting. That is what happens when you try to blog consistently. You have to take the chaff with the wheat.

Okay, apparently I was feeling sort of PMSy that day. Not that I don't feel all of those things in little amounts, but I think I was dwelling on it and making it all grow so much bigger in my mind. Which is fine as long as I snap out of it eventually. I was finally brave enough to put most of it up on the LBYM boards and, well, it was a little scary, but not too bad. I mean, by and large, they are all strangers to me anyway. I think.

Speaking of PMS, at some point I really should go see a doctor about my amazing non-existent period. I think it has been at least 4 months. Almost 5. I don't want to go to the doctor again until my 6-month blood pressure check so I'll make sure to mention it then. You know, I wouldn't care at all, in fact I'd be sort of happy, if it didn't make me worry that the next time I get a period it will be absurdly heavy and no fun. I did look it up online and I'm pretty sure it isn't PCOS since I don't have very many of the other symptoms at all. But this is the longest I've skipped ever.

They are talking about weight and diets again over on LBYM. I'll respond there once I figure out what I'm thinking here. Someone who was overweight and has lost a lot of weight over the last year or so asked:

Do you choose not to try to lose fat because you don't feel it's important enough (relative to the other priorities in your life) or because you don't feel it's likely that you would succeed at it? Or is there another reason?

So here's my answer:

I choose not to try to lose fat (at the moment) because even thinking about it makes me feel awful. It makes me feel less valuable as a person. It makes me feel fat and worthless. It makes me feel inferior to other people around me. It makes me feel angry that I have to struggle with this while other people around me eat as much or more and don't have to worry. Thinking about and concentrating on my body makes me constantly aware of my flaws. It makes me feel judged by the people around me. It makes me feel helpless and out of control.

I know exactly what I need to do to maintain at 120 (a "good" weight for my 5'4" self according to the charts). I did it when I was 13 - 15. I merely have to eat only 20 grams of fat per day while doing gymnastics workouts 6 days per week, 5 hours per day. Problem is - I don't have 30 hours a week to devote to working out right now. I know what I have to do to maintain at 130 - 140 too because I did it throughout high school. Dance for 2 hours each morning plus a few afternoon practices and performances here and there. Unfortunately I don't have 10+ hours per week to devote to working out either. I could maybe find them if I dropped a volunteer committment or two and stopped reading.

So why am I not all gung ho to lose fat? It is not important enough to devote my life to it (not to mention that when I was 15 years old and weighed 115 - 120 pounds I still felt like I was horribly overweight because the other gymnasts were more in the 90 - 100 range). It just isn't. I devoted all of my free time to gymnastics in the past and yes, I enjoyed it. Yes, I liked competition. Yes, I was really strong and very fit. But I hit a point at which the recurring injuries (back, ankles) were too much and I wasn't going to get substantially better at the sport so I quit. Mind you, I still tried for over a year after an injury that left me only doing 3 hours of my full workout before switching to something easier on my back (beam usually) for the last 2. I didn't just drop it easily or on a whim.

Yes, I could and should lose some of the extra weight I'm carrying around. I know that I can get to 160ish with a moderate amount of effort. By which I mean only 4 days per week of exercise (I'm currently down to 2) and slightly more attention to food choices. I've bounced up to 180 in the past 2 years because of a knee injury and my work schedule messing up the regular free weights class I had been taking. Yes, I should learn to do it on my own, but the class motivated me. My eating habits are actually pretty good already. I eat mainly fruit and vegetables. (Case in point: lunch today was baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, broccoli and sugar snap peas, some fruit salad, strawberries, vanilla yogurt and a sprinkling of granola.) Chicken on occasion. I don't like seafood, so fish is out. But lentils and other legumes I can do. White bread is mostly out, as are white rice and potatoes. I do eat too many sweets (normally one thing per day) and I could change that. I don't want to enough at the moment.

My main problem with the whole debate raging on the LBYM board is that the biggest part of the weight wars is not the diet or the exercise. It is trying to realize that my value as a person is not dependent on my pants size. Truthfully, I'm not there yet. I still use words like "should" and "ought to" when discussing food. I still think that "if I were only x pounds lighter I could do such and such" when I could probably do such and such now. I still think that I don't deserve a relationship at my current size and that no one could possibly find me attractive. I see my body as an indicator of my self-worth most of the time rather than a wonderful thing with many abilities. I can go down the self-criticism path effortlessly and hate something about every single part of my body. My brain is great. I can feel confident and accomplished there (not mega-super-genius smart, but good enough). So sometimes I stay in my brain where I'm good enough and I don't hate myself. I'll sit and read for 5 hours on a Saturday instead of doing something active because, well, it's fun and I don't have to worry about something being jiggly that shouldn't be. It makes me feel good. Hikes by myself do too, and I do that most weekends. But that isn't serious exercise, it's just walking around. It doesn't have an effect on my weight.
To clarify - I am currently roughly 180 and I am not totally weak and blobby. I do gymnastics and yoga every week. I just don't run marathons.

So I guess the answer is that it isn't important enough to me AND I don't think I would be successful enough without humongous amounts of effort AND there is another reason -- my body image issues are such that it is easier to not face it at all (other than the occasional, or not so occasional, bout of body-loathing).

Through some random link following (I think it was stalking TWoP writers), I discovered the 101 things to do in 1001 days concept. Apparently a bunch of bloggers do it. So I am making my list. Once I get to 101 things, I'll attempt to make the pretty blog thing like other people. It is hard coming up with 101 things. I guess I should categorize stuff so that it makes sense and maybe it will spark some new ideas. So far I am writing down stuff as it occurs to me. SO far I have stuff that fits into physical, spiritual, personal, interpersonal, educational and vocational categories.

The problem is that I am basically a lazy person. Some of the items on my list wouldn't be hard to do, I just don't do them. So maybe having the list will inspire me.